Courtney And The Compelling Cringe

 The perfect silence of first period ninth grade English class was broken with the sound of Courtney setting a big heavy cup on her desk. 

“You have a Tanley cup?!” Logan exclaimed, looking up at the noise.

“Who doesn’t have a Tanley cup these days?” Molly asked, taking a sip from her water bottle that was very much not a Tanley. 

Courtney shrugged. “My sister’s, like, obsessed with these things. I’m allowed to be trendy for once. I’m very hip.” 

“Courtney,” Logan said, “no one says ‘hip.’”

“That’s bogus. Besides, what would you know? I’m a teenage girl. Being trendy is, like, practically in my blood. Obviously I know all the grooviest fads.” 

Molly and Logan exchanged a glance. It was no secret that Courtney wasn’t known for being the trendiest shoe in the mall. That is, being the sucker for nostalgia that she is, Courtney was just about the last person one would expect to jump on a fad train such as Tanley-mania. Tanley cups were the latest internet fad, and it seemed like every teenager on social media had one. 

Courtney noticed Molly and Logan’s exchanged looks and leaned back in her chair. “Also, unnecessarily large cups such as this could give someone a real nice big ol’ concussion if you threw it at their head… for self defense purposes, obviously.” 

“Courtney, why would you throw that at someone’s head?!” Molly cried.

“I said for self defense purposes! Like, if someone tries to rob you, just chuck your Tanley at their head and knock ‘em out. Then boom, you can get away! I’m not saying, like, if your siblings are being annoying, throw it at them to get them to stop talking. No, that’s definitely not a thought that’s crossed my mind before…” 

Both Molly and Logan knew that was more than likely a thought that had crossed Courtney’s mind before. After all, Courtney was a middle child, and it is a stereotype that the middle child of a family has the most violent tendencies. Of course, that didn’t begin to explain where Courtney got her… well, non compos mentis behaviors. 

“Well gee, Courtney,” Logan exclaimed. “Next thing we know, you’re going to be using slang and wearing one of those fanny packs like a purse or whatever it is that trendy people do.” 

“I can use slang. I am a child of Generation Z. I have Skibidi Toilet Ohio rizz,” Courtney said. Molly facepalmed and Logan cringed. Courtney really was clueless when it came to current fads. 

“You don’t know what any of those words mean,” Molly accused. 

Courtney shrugged. “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Besides, does anyone actually know what any of those things mean?” 

“I do,” Isabel Hoffman said, walking over to Courtney’s desk.

“Oh, of course you do,” Courtney replied. “You really think you’re all that and a bag of chips.” 

“I am all that and a bag of chips, thank you for asking,” Isabel replied. 

“Oh really?” Courtney frowned. “Then where’s your Tanley?” 

Isabel opened her mouth to reply, but just then, the teacher told everyone to sit down so that class could begin. Molly and Logan exchanged a glance. It was bound to be an interesting day.

*** 

“Did you see that the Isabels both got Tanleys?” Molly asked, approaching Logan the next morning before class. 

“That’s slightly more predictable than Courtney getting one of those things.” Logan sighed. “But now that two of the wanna-be plastics have Tanleys, those dumb water bottles are bound to be a PGSA trend by the end of the week.” 

Molly nodded, looking grim. “It’s going to be like the plague. I can already sense it.” 

***

And indeed, the Tanley fad did spread like the plague amongst students at Piney Grove School of the Arts. By the end of the week, Tanley-mania had infected nearly every student at the school. Excluding, of course, Molly and Logan.

“Molly,” Courtney said, leaning against Molly’s desk, “you should get a Tanley.” 

“No way!” Molly shrieked. “And join the army of brainless trend-following TikTok zombies that are Tanley cup users?!” 

“Hey! I’m not a zombie!” Courtney exclaimed. 

“You speak in brain rot!” 

“What the sigma?! You sound like Maryellen!” 

“Maybe Maryellen was right.”

Courtney gasped at the mention of her arch nemesis. It was no secret that Courtney was bitter rivals with Maryellen, and it was even less of a secret that Maryellen was a bit of a conspiracy theorist, who was exactly the kind of person to accuse someone of being a zombie (granted, Maryellen also owned a Tanley at this point). “Oh no you didn’t.” 

“Oh yes I did!”

“That’s it. You’ll never be an alpha like me.” Courtney stormed off.

“What just happened?” Molly asked, turning to Logan at the desk next to her.

“She is what the kids call ‘delulu,’” he replied, shaking his head. “She has been too far consumed by the curse of the Skibidi Ohio Fanum Tax Rizzler Sigma.”

“I don’t know what any of that means.”

“Me neither. I don’t think any of those are real words. Point is, it’s just Courtney being Courtney. She’ll start being normal eventually… right?” 

“I hope so!”

***

But an entire day passed and Courtney did not start being normal— well, that is, normal for Courtney standards. She had never been what would be considered conventionally normal. Molly wasn’t sure what to do with herself. Her best friend was being weirder than normal. Lately it seemed like Courtney was so absorbed with being trendy and speaking in slang that she couldn’t think of anything else. 

“What are we supposed to do?” Molly asked Logan.

“Courtney will probably get bored of trying to be cool eventually,” Logan replied.

“But who knows how long before that happens.” Molly shook her head. “I want Courtney back now.” 

Logan thought for a second, trying to come up with a plan. “Maybe if we can make her see how cringey she’s being, she’ll stop.”

“It’s Courtney. When has she ever cared about being cringey?” 

“She doesn’t care when she’s being Courtney-cringey. This is unlike her. She’s being Isabel and Isabelle cringey.” 

“Then how do we get her to see how cringey she is?”

“We out-cringe her. Consider it your next Order of the Phoenix mission.” 

“You’re right. This is work for my super secret spy squad that I definitely didn’t steal the name of from Harry Potter.” 

***

“She’s coming,” Molly whispered to Logan. Indeed, Courtney was entering the cafeteria and approaching the group’s usual table. 

“What’s up, brother?” Logan said to Courtney when she came over. 

“You look very skibidi sigma ohio rizzler today, Courtney,” Molly added. 

Courtney blinked. Obviously somewhat surprised by Molly and Logan’s sudden vocabulary and also very much judging them. “Uh… thanks?” She said timidly, even though she had just been speaking like that earlier. 

“Seriously, you slay. Ate and left no crumbs. In your girlboss era, no cap. Very mindful, very demure,” Molly replied. 

“It’s giving main character. You have no opps. Have you been mewing?” Logan added. 

Courtney wrinkled her nose. “You guys are so weird.”

“Ermmm, akshually,” Molly replied, “you mean, ‘you guys are so sus.’” 

“Stop. Please. It’s so painful,” Courtney begged.

“That’s lowkey what you sound like.” Logan shook his head. 

“Fine! I’ll stop overusing slang and trying to be trendy if you guys also stop being weird.”

“Bet! I… er, mean, deal,” Molly exclaimed. 

After that, Courtney was much more Courtney-like. She didn’t try so hard to pretend to be trendy, especially after she dented her Tanley. It was allegedly dented during an interaction with Isabel Hoffman in which the comically oversized water bottle apparently ended up flying across the room, or so the rumors go. That, however, is merely school gossip, and is not to be believed. As for the brain rot speak, “skibidi ohio sigma” words were only thrown out by the friend group as jokes moving on. Even Courtney agreed that nobody should ever use “skibidi” in an actual conversation. Things were back to normal at Piney Grove School of the Arts (or, as normal as they could be.) 

The end. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so sorry. Not really. If you just read this entire photo story without deciding to boycott Just Dolling, congrats! I really don't know what compelled me to write this, but here we are. I actually started working on it in March, but I forgot about it until I found the half-finished Google Doc over the summer. And then it sat in my drafts for a few more months, just for good measure. So... appreciate it, I guess? We almost weren't exposed to Courtney learning brain rot slang. 

Oh and I *totally* have no idea what "Tanley" is supposed to be a parody of. 

Also, on another note, is it too early to dress dolls for Christmas? I'm asking for a friend. I'm the friend.

That's all for today! Have a great week and remember to eat your veggies! Bye! <3